Most of us at sometimes in our lives have been betrayed and felt the subsequent pain it brings. Trust is a precious and delicate gift and it can feel impossible to regain it when it has been damaged.
The alternative though is to live a very bleak and closed off life. Trust is crucial in any relationship and virtually impossible to prepare ourselves for when we are betrayed, but we can heal our hearts again.
Hemingway said it best when he said “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”.
Its scary but there is little alternative if you want to develop a positive meaningful relationship. Its fair to say that no one wants to live in a state of constant fear, whether that be of rejection or loneliness, so we must expose our vulnerable side in order to open up the potential for good.
But remember its up to you to decide on the level of exposure.
A good place to start is developing and maintaining your trust in yourself. Be consciously aware of your past experiences and internal senses. These have and will continue to take a life time to develop. Listen to them and be guided by them. In order for you to heal and move on from such an experience there are some simple steps that can kindle your recovery.
Congruence
Be honest with yourself. In times of emotional trauma it can seem unachievable to separate the behaviour from the impact on your emotional state, but try. Look behind the behaviour.
Consider the level of your expectations, are they reasonable. I am in no way suggesting that your goal is to excuse the behaviours. The purpose of the exercise is to revisit what is important to you and why. Some things are non-negotiable and that is right and proper.
What is important is to be true to yourself and to remember what they are and remain solid to your needs, and learn to be more assertive. This will inform your future decisions and strengthen what you value and desire from future relationships. Be determined to get 'back out there', maybe not right now but acknowledge to yourself that when you have healed then the choice will be yours
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Forgiveness
Not necessarily to the person who has let you down but to yourself. We naturally internalise such experiences and blame ourselves but remember without the courage to open yourself up to being vulnerable and enter into trusting relationships we close off the opportunity to happiness and love. After all I'm sure you didn't choose to be betrayed.
Reflect on the process, hold the pain and be kind to yourself. Once achieved and reconciled you will be better place to try again, if you so choose. Accept if you had a part in it and consider if you can accept the behaviours of the other. You may conclude that the blame lies totally with the other or you may see your part in it. Your outcome will be unique to you, the important thing is to reflect so you are able to put it, eventually, to bed and move on.
The time this take will be different for everyone and the level of pain will be determined by the specific betrayal. Your focus should be on yourself and the regaining and retention of your control. Remember, it may not feel like it, but its up to you.
Set the Pace
When trust has been broken it can seem impossible to trust again. If you are more aware of your part in setting the pace of new relationships it can ensure that you are conscious of about your and the other persons motives and behaviours.
Communication
Be honest with yourself and others. Be clear about what you are looking for and what the other person is looking for. It takes two to make a relationship but so much more to develop a trusting relationship.
Be Strong
There is nothing more attractive in a person than when they are strong and completely confident in themselves. Know yourself. Recognise and acknowledge your strong points and work on the parts you want to improve. No one can do this for you and nor should they.
The challenge as well as the REWARDS belong to you. Its not easy and this can take a lifetime to achieve, with a lifetime of effort to maintain. Others respect strength and confidence and you will be valued more for achieving it.
Don't be needy, all you are saying is that your don't trust your worth. If you don't recognise and trust how extraordinary you are then how can you expect and demand others to value you. It resonates comes from you, please remember it.
